“I’m too smart to have an eating disorder”

Delusion, denial and cognitive dissonance

Photo by Eliott Reyna on Unsplash

I believed that I was too smart and self-aware, too feminist — to fall for the patriarchal beauty standards of society. I was not like “those anorexics”. I didn’t want to be stick thin. Everything I did was normal and justified and healthy.

One simple little idea, that changed everything.

The cognitive dissonance was the knowledge that if this was true (and I knew it was), then I must be a hypocrite to be restricting and purging and obsessing over my weight. I must be weak. I was in denial to protect myself from this feeling.

Photo by tabitha turner on Unsplash

The disordered part of me was glad.

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Reverie

“The nature of our immortal lives is in the consequences of our words and deeds” — Cloud Atlas