Yes I totally know what you mean, regarding the "feeling it on an existential level". You can't just intellectually know it. It has to be felt. But when you DO feel it (and I believe you will) you will know you're feeling it and it couldn't be anything else.

Let me know what you think of the video! <3

Also, if you're in a place where it's legal, weed edibles can put your mind in a place where you're more receptive to the "slapping your face realisation". Same with psychedelics. Very useful tools for coming to this realisation (although by no means the only tools). And then once you've had the feeling of enlightenment, you know you can achieve it and even if you can't always remember how to get to it, it becomes easier each time.

I've been reading The Radiance Sutras (translated by Lorin Roche) recently, and one of the verses stood out to me particularly. Shiva says to Parvati:

""I am not a collection of incantations

Known only to experts

I am not a ladder to be climbed

A sequence for piercing energy centers in your body

I am not to be found at the end of a long road

I am right here"

What Shiva is talking about, is enlightenment. You already contain everything you need to be enlightened, right this very second. Enlightenment won't be found outside yourself. It won't be found by changing yourself (except in the sense that you're always changing). In fact, you can find it by going deep within, by asking yourself "what is the nature of consciousness, this feeling of being awake and alive".

This has been my quest for years now, and it's what led me to my realisations. Because the question of "what is consciousness" and "what am I" and "what is life" and "what is existence" all have the same answer. And in that answer, is enlightenment. But it's beyond concepts. Beyond words. Very hard to try and explain in writing.