Well actually it was my mum who cut ME off by giving me the silent treatment, but then when I moved out of home she's never reached out to me in any meaningful way, and she told my brothers that if they contacted me THEY would be cut off and thrown out of the house, told lies about me to them, and now apparently behaves as though I don't exist. I have messaged her occasionally letting her know I still care about her and am open to reconciliation but I have very strong boundaries now and she's made it very clear she has NO respect for them and no desire to actually acknowledge any wrongdoing on her part (even unintentional). Which is very sad. But oh well. Her loss.

Yeah my dad used to be an enabler of her abuse (just by not standing up to her, refusing to defend me, and refusing to confront her on her delusional beliefs). He would in private agree with me on many things, and then show no support for me if it meant confronting Mum. So for a time I was estranged from him as well.

However he reached out to me a few years ago asking to reconcile and I wrote him a 17 page essay explaining what I needed from him in order to feel safe reconciling (namely an acknowledgement of the various ways in which Mum abused me, and the role he played in enabling it, as well as an acknowledgement that he saw me as an adult now and accepted that I was free to make choices he disapproves of and that this doesn't mean I don't respect and love him as a person by making a different choice than he would make). What was amazing was that Dad actually DID acknowledge all that, apologised, and showed great self awareness. This was after he separated from Mum and was going through divorce proceedings. It turned out she had been abusing him too.

So I have worked on developing a much healthier relationship with my dad now that he's free of her influence, and as time has gone on my brothers have all broken free as well and I have them all back in my life and it's wonderful.

However due to Dad having had 25+ years of certain habits due to being abused by mum as well as complicit in her behaviour to the kids, as well as trauma himself, he did end up gaslighting me around the middle of last year, about something else. Fortunately we communicated and worked through it and our relationship gets healthier all the time.

So I think that's the difference between someone who is worth keeping in your life and one who is completely toxic. :) They need to show self awareness, and a desire for growth (ie he goes to therapy), and a willingness to communicate.