The narcissist in my life isn't my significant other. It's my mother. I am not sure if she's a narcissist or has BPD. There are symptoms of each.

The problem is, for the vast majority of my life and childhood, she was a wonderful mother, extremely loving.

And I felt sorry for her because of everything she had gone through in her life (she was a survivor of abuse). And she told me that me being a good daughter comforted her after everything that had happened in her life. So I wanted to be perfect, and she was able to guilt trip me into everything.

Over time she began to emotionally abuse me more and more, especially in my late teens and early 20s as I started to get my own beliefs and challenge her.

Eventually I had to move out of home and cut ties with her. I found out later that she had also been emotionally abusing my dad and brothers.

The problem is, part of me really wants to reconcile with her. I don't know if it's a stupid idea. I want her to understand that she had the wrong beliefs about me, that she thought I was a bad person but I tried my best, and that I still love her, even though I need to have boundaries and independence.

I also want her to know and understand the harm she caused to me, because I don't think she does know.

I feel like I need to get closure somehow, because of the cognitive dissonance in my mind, between the person she is now, and the person she used to be. I can't believe that she never loved me, that she never felt any genuine affection, because I have literally 20 years of memories where she was an amazing mother, and if they're all false then my entire childhood was a lie, and also all the good things she taught me, all the good ways in which she influenced my personality, they're fake too.

That's what makes it so hard. Also her own history of abuse and mental illness. It would actually be easier to sever ties if I felt she was inherently a bad person, or was malicious, but I don't feel she is. But she's toxic right now. And possibly will always be toxic.

It's so hard, I don't know what to do. And my dad feels "betrayed" that I messaged her on Facebook, because he feels it's me denying the abuse that he experienced, and that I experienced, that I'm choosing to forget it, but I'm not. At the same time I don't want to hurt my dad either. And maybe it's a bad idea to try and reach out to my mother. But what if she died and I'd never spoken to her again? She frequently says she's suicidal, I don't know if it's true or manipulation.

Ughhhhhh....