So this is what I used to think. But actually I realised after a while that I'd been thinking about "self love" all wrong.

I had been thinking about loving myself the way I love other people. I was imagining myself the way I thought other people saw me (composite of images from mirrors, photos, videos) and experienced me (based on how people have told me I am like). This built up a conception of myself and that was what I was trying to love.

The thing is - that image of myself - THAT IS NOT ME!!! That is my imagination of myself.

What is the real me? It is my experience of life. It is the first person experience that only I will ever truly know.

How other people perceive me is relevant to how they want to treat me. But it's not anything to do with whether I should love myself. Because when I love myself, I'm not actually trying to love the image of myself. I'm trying to love my REAL self. Which is the experience of being alive and conscious, unique to me.

So self love, isn't loving an image or an idea of the self.

Instead it is focusing on what it is about LIFE that you love. What experiences give you joy, pleasure, interest, curiosity, wonder, exhilaration etc? What gives you a feeling of meaning and profundity? What feels fun? What puts you in a state of flow?

All those experiences can happen REGARDLESS of whether you are loved by others. You can allow yourself to feel those feelings, or deny yourself those feelings, out of shame.

You don't need to feel shame. Let yourself feel the experiences that make you happy. Enjoy them to the fullest. Instead of focusing on the idea of yourself, focus on the experience of life.

This realisation completely flipped the switch on self love for me. I hope it helps.