I'm so happy for you!!! That's such a wonderful experience. It's great hearing about a story of gender euphoria. <3

I can really relate to the sections about "feeling the body as an entity separate from myself" - that was so true when I was in the grips of my own eating disorder.

And part of recovery (which I outline in my own blog) was learning to reintegrate the body into the self. In fact I went further and had a mystical experience which integrated *all of existence* into the self, and that was actually the final thing that cured me.

But I'm not saying this to invalidate how you recovered. We all have different ways of recovering and yours clearly was about becoming your true self. Ultimately the same experience resulted for the both of us, which is "experiencing reality with our bodies, and expressing selfhood through it".

I think everyone should pursue euphoria for themselves, whether they're trans or cis. For you, euphoria meant taking testosterone and lifting weights, wearing masculine clothes, changing your name etc - and that's brilliant that you discovered that.

For me - euphoria means celebrating my curvaceous womanly body, dressing like a nature goddess, a sea nymph, or a modern day sorceress. That's my gender euphoria. I just happen to be cis.

I think for me my eating disorder stemmed from my upbringing which was very very sex-shaming. And growing breasts and hips, becoming a sexually desirable woman, it was something that I both wanted, and dreaded "going too far" with. Like - I wanted to be attractive, but being too voluptuous - that would make me seem too obviously sexual, and I was abused for that. But also it was perfectionism in all aspects of my life, and not trusting myself. I felt that wanting too much, enjoying life too much - whether that be sex, food or creative fashion - that wasn't ok, it was greedy, it was attention-seeking, it was "too much". Now I know differently. I know I won't become a binge eater if I don't restrict. I know there's nothing wrong with being highly sexual. I know there's nothing wrong with being flamboyant in fashion. I know that I don't have to diminish myself for others.

Either way - I'm so happy for us both. Recovery is the best. <3 I hope everyone who experiences the hell of an eating disorder finds this joy and peace.