I understand this is a really tough position to be in and I'm sad for your pain you're experiencing.

One thing I will say relating to "defending" and "justifying" is that you chose to put all these details public, for years. You chose to share private details about your personal life with strangers. You chose to become an active proponent of nonmonogamy, to make that your "brand" as a writer, claiming in many articles what a wonderful lifestyle it was. You were "defending your relationship choices" and "the legitimacy of your marriage" for years. You chose to do that. None of us would have known you were nonmonogamous or the details of your private life if you hadn't chosen to write about it and make it your brand. That invites a variety of reactions. You can't expect every reader to react the way you want.

You also chose to tell us about how you bent the rules of your nonmonogamous relationship in the past, that you were the one who first "caught feelings" for someone else in the relationship, that initially your husband wasn't keen on nonmonogamy but did it for you because it's what you wanted. That initially you weren't meant to catch feelings but you did, and it changed the boundaries of the relationship.

And now when something similar happens to you, you expect "unconditional support"? Well, when you say support, what do you mean? Validation for every choice you made? Validation that you are the victim and he is the bad guy? Or merely sympathy for your pain?

I can give you support in the sense that I feel sad for the pain you are feeling. Regardless of the circumstances, your pain is valid.

I don't think that means I need to think you were not an active participant in the relationship turning out the way it did. And I don't think it's fair to expect your audience to validate every choice you've ever made in the name of "unconditional support".

From my perspective (as someone who also was in a nonmonogamous relationship that had the "rules" bent) - I think the story is nuanced and there were choices made on both sides that led to this outcome. I don't think it means either of you is a bad person or deserves to wallow in shame or guilt. I hope you find peace and happiness and love again.