I don’t know, it seems like this kind of article is only useful during the hindsight phase. Because the early stages of a supposed narcissistic relationship seemingly look exactly like the early stages of a normal, passionate relationship with a flawed but well meaning person.

And given “love bombing” can supposedly last anywhere from a few months to a decade, it’s enough to make ANYONE question their relationship. Because people who have fallen passionately in love, who are not narcissists, can definitely be lavish and dramatic in their affection. I know I have been. So has my partner. Neither of us are (I think) narcissists.

When in reality I think the toxic signs to watch out for in any relationship include:

• controlling behaviour
• trying to isolate you from family and friends
• putting you down
• not learning from mistakes (because normal flawed people can do some of this too, the difference is that they actually learn and grow when called out)

If anyone starts doing this to you in a relationship, I would suggest to identify these problems and call out your partner and see how they react. Do they improve their behaviour? And not in a “elaborate apology that only lasts until the next abusive act” but in a meaningful, progressive way that shows they’re learning and growing?

Because I think the term “narcissist” is overused. For all the articles there are on them, it seems that every abusive or toxic relationship is due to a malevolent person who pretends to love you for a certain period and is puppeteering you. When real people with NPD are relatively rare. They make up less than 1% of the population.

Most toxic relationships are due to “normal” people who probably had good intentions, and genuinely did start their relationship feeling love for their partner, slowly falling into worse and worse behaviours and habits due to a combination of things like trauma, jealousy, anger issues, codependency etc — all things that they could have fixed probably if they had seen a therapist early enough in their relationship.

Source: a grandmother who actually had NPD, and a mother who was a really good person for the majority of her 25 year marriage but over the last 3–5 years became more and more toxic, controlling and abusive while believing all the while that she herself was the victim. Was my grandmother a narcissist? Yes. Is my mother one though? No. Nor do I believe she was faking the 20 years when she was a wonderful mother and wife to my dad. Does that negate how toxic she became? No. Life is complex.