Good article. I would say that the porn itself is not the problem (as for many relationships looking at porn is not considered a betrayal or a sign of "sickness"), but the problem is not being aligned on what's OK and not OK within the context of the relationship, feeling like you can't be honest with your partner (people who hide their porn use do so out of fear of being shamed), feeling like you aren't enough for your partner etc.

I think there's also something to be said for not barring all forms of erotica from one's life when you're married.

If you're worried about video porn - in terms of whether the people involved are being harmed or exploited to make the porn (a valid concern) - there are ethical alternatives like amateur porn where the people making the videos are real couples who are in love and who want to share what real intimacy looks like in the bedroom.

There are also fictional alternatives if it's a boundary to not "look at a real person with lust" (which I think is an unrealistic thing to demand of anyone but each to their own) - for example there are a lot of erotic novels and stories out there, completely fictional and not involving the possible exploitation of anyone real. There are erotic drawings, like hentai.

Lots of options! As you say, sexual health looks different to everyone, but I think it's important to get rid of the shame associated with wanting to look at erotica, as it's a natural urge, just as it's a natural urge to have sexual fantasies and masturbate. It's natural to enjoy pleasure and orgasm. It's how teenagers learn what's pleasurable by themselves before they have sex with someone else. So just because you're married doesn't mean that part of you goes away.

Of course porn should not come between spouses or become more important than real intimacy, but just like looking at characters in a movie fight with swords and kill each other, doesn't mean you want to fight to the death in real life - same with porn.

The whole "will you turn into Ted Bundy" thing is the kind of shaming rhetoric that is used to further entrench shame. Ted Bundy was a psychopath and a sadist. He also enjoyed porn. But the porn didn't make him into a psychopath. I know that's what he tried to claim, but that was another way for him to try and shift blame and avoid accountability - "the porn made me do it" kind of bullshit excuse. It's like when people thought the Joker movie would cause a spate of shootings. But it didn't.

There are millions of people who have S/M kinks and look at porn, or read erotic stories with BDSM or taboo themes, and who would never in their wildest dreams murder or rape anyone.