Disclosure before I start - I am a bisexual woman who identifies as "queer". I have a very visibly different and unique flamboyant fashion sense.

I think the difference between being "gay" and being "queer" is that being gay is a sexual orientation, being "queer" implies a social rebelliousness, a "daring to be different", a punkish attitude about being visibly different. Many gay people are "queer" but they're not synonyms.

I echo the comment of someone else in this comment thread - "if you're not pushing society's boundaries a bit, is that really queer, because being "normal" and being "queer" don't mean the same thing".

I understand that being visibly effeminate is sometimes dangerous for gay men. And people definitely can judge you and treat you worse for being effeminate. It depends if you live in a safe environment (you mentioned liberal urban environments so I think you are more safe there).

That being said, I do think if you actually put on some of these clothes you long to wear in public, you'd be surprised at the positivity of the response you get.

I expected a lot of judgement over what I started wearing, when I started my flamboyant fashion journey but in reality I get compliments from strangers every day. I've been catcalled from cars a few times but overall the ratio of positive to negative feedback is 99.9%.

And the people I meet who are equally creative and individual in their expression (usually queer people, gay men, trans and NB people) have an aura of positivity and confidence around them. I always make sure to compliment their styles so I can build them up further too.

Suffice it to say, I think you might be pleasantly surprised about how people respond to authentic individuality in these environments. :)