Damn. I can relate SO HARD to this. I spent 6 years in feminist activism and it completely burnt me out and I also feel that I actually didn't end up changing anything for the better. In fact it may have made some things worse. I don't want to see the world in terms of "enemies" and "oppressors" everywhere anymore. I want to feel compassion and idealism. I want to relate to my male friends with love and belief in their best selves. I want to relate to my straight friends with love and belief in their best selves. I don't want to have a lens over everything I do that thinks of everything in my life in terms of me being victimised, or me victimising others.

I have come to believe that the way I can best make change in the world, is by one-on-one conversations with the people I love, and the people who admire me. The conversations that lead to meaningful change in someone's mindset. On top of that I have divested my money from fossil fuels, and I am a vegan, and I do think about things like my privilege as a white person for example, but I don't want anymore to be an activist. I don't want to perform guilt that I don't feel in order to assuage people who never cared to know me as a person. I want to grow and minimise any harm I cause to the world, but it's not my job anymore to conform, it's not my job to hate my life, it's not my job to be "woke", I am going to just genuinely do my best as a person and I think the best change I can do is actually in a smaller, deeper circle than it is proclaiming to hundreds of thousands of followers (as I used to have as a feminist activist) bite-sized outrage 24/7.

I am become hope-punk. I am become solarpunk. I want to spread great compassion as the Buddhists would say. Because I have a limited life, and I don't want to be unnecessarily miserable during that life. And I don't think helping others necessitates me to feel traumatised or outraged or anxious or fearful or guilty. As activism seems to demand.

I can live a happy and peaceful life, while also doing good on a more intimate scale. And that's what I intend to do.