As someone who has had body image issues for a large part of my life, including an eating disorder, I recognise in your writing a trait I notice in myself. Namely to talk about how negative you feel about your body while taking pains to mention again and again how your body is better than most people’s bodies and you’re actually really attractive you just don’t feel AS attractive as you’d like to be.

Seriously, I do this myself. When talking about my eating disorder I find myself wanting to always add caveats “I wasn’t really fat, and even though I’m no longer purging and restricting, I’m still not fat”.

When really I shouldn’t care so much about it.

That’s the nature of body dysmorphia I guess.

Also, in regards to “feeling bad about feeling bad” — I relate to this a lot, though I think it’s all self generated. For example due to insecurity I sometimes get upset over criticisms that I know rationally are valid. I know I shouldn’t be getting upset, and the anger with myself for “being weak and overreacting” further fuels my self hatred. It’s a vicious spiral.

I’ve found the way forward isn’t to punish yourself for negative thoughts, or to wallow in them, but to be kind to yourself. Relax into yourself (not pressuring yourself to relax mind you) and realise it’s human to feel emotions, and negative thought conditioning can’t be broken in a day. You can only improve over time.